I originally posted this in February 2015. I am reposting with some edits–it feels so relevant to my previous post (Heartbreak Catapult). The spiritual path (sadhana) is not a straight line it is a circuitous path.
It would be ludicrous to think as a practitioner of Yoga Meditation I don’t get angry. Candidly, my inclination toward becoming annoyed is a reason I am dutiful with my practice.
According to DISC personality typing, I am an “I”–which means “Influence”–but, it can also mean impulsive! The same energy that is the source of my strengths is also the source of my lesser strengths (not weaknesses).
This morning I got angry with my son. Paradoxically, the people we are closest to can be the source of our greatest joy sand the catalyst of our greatest frustrations!
I have a lot invested in my son–he is after all, my son. With an investment comes an expectation. When the investment does not yield a return there is disappointment. The return on investment is an attraction and the disappointment is an aversion.
According to the Yoga Sutras, both attraction (raga) and aversion (dvesha) are two sides of the same coin–attachment. Both stem from a primal lack of knowledge regarding our True Nature (avidya) which is perennial and not ephemeral.
Conversely, the apparent nature of the physical world is transient. Due to this, we cling to the things and experiences of the physical world that we love. We push away the things and experiences that we abhor. But, both the pushing and pulling cause us suffering (dukha or dukkha).
I am attracted to my son doing what I believe is best (for me), he does something other than that, my expectation is not met, I experience disappointment, my disappointment is a form of suffering. To the unmastered mind, all worldly experiences yield suffering because they are impermanent. However, this does not have to be the case.
When we are rooted in awareness of our True Nature from earnest practice and non-attachment (abhyasa and vairagya) we are aware of the fleeting nature of our experiences and we can be released from the suffering of attraction and aversion. It does not mean we are apathetic or ambivalent–I am still going to parent my child–with the hope that he leads a skillful and happy life. But, I am working on not expecting him to do what I want. We still have rules. If he breaks them, he is punished. But, now it’s not a big emotional tirade–because I didn’t get what I want.
Today I got angry; I felt the blood pump and my temperature rise. But, I was very aware that this was a bodily experience and not who I am at the core; moreover, not an emotion I have to act on. I didn’t resist the anger–that is aversion–I just let it come. I went for a drive and returned as the person I want to be.